Vision, time, support, confidence, courage, desire, dreams, opportunities, new horizons, changes, power, health. Words that make up the personality who can choose a path and stick to it. Not wonder around, distracted by wolves, like the Little Red Riding Hood. Stick to your plans no matter the obstacles. Resilience. Resistance. Trust.
Probably, I am made of that. You are probably created with those words as well. All parents wish success to their children. I bet yours were not an exception. We were all created and we all came on this Earth with a strong desire to become the best possible version of ourselves. But, to take a risk and go on your own might involve attaining some external expectations as well. Not just yours. Or maybe yours are not that big. Maybe you do not dream to become famous, rich or well known. Maybe you just dream to have a tranquil, beautiful decent life. Not rich, but not poor either. Not stressed, but not bored either. Not monotonous, but not risky or too adventurous either. You probably just want to be at peace. In the flow.
I know I secretly wish that serenity. And the flow. I want to stream like a cold refreshing river: simple, alive, helpful, peaceful and powerful, persistent. Never ending.
A mindset, a motto, a goal dream, a vocation, a passion, an obsession. We all live these feelings. These words are more than just words, they are filled with sensations, with emotions, with memories, with wishes, with vivid images of our desires and needs. It’s a cocktail. I am drunk. I drink too much dreams. I make my own dreams and then immerse myself in them, daydreaming. No action though. No steps to realize them, to actually live them, instead of breathing the illusion of living it.
I find that the urge to do something comes in waves, sometimes a persistent itch, that makes me wanna scratch it until I bleed, sometimes as a passing thought in my train of daydreaming thoughts. And I do not pay enough attention to it. I know I am capable of a lot. But am I really capable? Or I am lying to myself, giving myself the time to let the time pass by and then have the excuse, it’s passed my time to try that or change something? I feel my unconscious mind is doing a sabotage to me. So, that I won’t feel the pain of failure.
Because failure is so scary. At least to me. And that’s how perfectionism is born within a human soul.
I am trying to do that exercise with imagining all the possible worst case scenarios and having a back plan for everything, however, I do not trust myself enough with it. I feel I will regret the decision of taking the leap. Thinking I would have wasted my time. Thinking I would have lost energy, money and time. Time is of exceptional precious importance and value to me. It’s fundamental. Because I use time to make money. I use time to obtain energy to make money. I use time to daydream. I use time to do things. It’s why I am so careful with to whom I am giving my time.
And at a close look, I, most of the time, use it to work in an environment that does not contribute to my well being overall. It does not make me grow. It became monotonous. And it is taking my energy. My spirit. My glow. Like in the old Sailor Moon cartoons, when villains would take away the souls of innocent people to feed their lives, their time, their success, their power. I am giving my power to something I do not particularly enjoy. What am I talking about, I totally dislike it. I am in it for the money. I want to be in it for the sake of it.
I want to have fun. To be in the flow. To enjoy my time at the office. I want constant positive wonderful uplifting change. Satisfaction. Like a spring water discovery feeling. Like a waterfall. But, for my soul.
I realized I need vision. I need resistance with myself in all environments. It’s not that I am not though. I am. But I am weak in face of adversity. I am resistant. But in face of resistance, I fail to trust myself or learn to trust my strengths more, rather I succeed in getting my faith weakened. And then doubts start creating a web in my heart.
Do you question weather you deserve a different life?
I read that question recently, and I keep asking myself for an answer. I do not want to sound arrogant to my subconscious mind and I do not need to have self pity or low self esteem thinking that I have not done anything to deserve something better. Because the truth is, no matter who you came to become in life, you deserve happiness, tranquility, health and success in all matters, weather spiritual, emotional or material.
You, like me, deserve to be rich in all forms richness exists. So, do you question weather you deserve a different life?
What do you need to take the leap? I think I need strength, vision, support and more small success to start develop a self confidence.
You sharing my blog posts, helping me grow if whatever I journal here, is giving you at least a nano size insight, will give me a boost in my self esteem. It will make me persistent more. It will motivate me. Motivate me!
I don’t really like to ask for help. And maybe this needs to change. Please, share this, if you found it meaningful in any way and do tell me in the comments section what do YOU need to make a change! Sometimes reading about other people’s experiences, can highlight your revelations.