I recorded myself for some YouTube videos a couple of years ago, and more recently as well, however I was not able to stick to it. To be persistent. Even though you would imagine it should be easy. No. I would like to dedicate myself more to writing, to creating posts here and in other places I wish to contribute to, to grow. And I feel like there is this thing that won’t allow me to move to a specific direction I tell myself I will follow.
Like I am not in control. Which is exactly what I dislike. Maybe that’s what I should start doing, accepting that I am not in control. To surrender. But to surrender to those forces of the universe that are similar to a breeze, which will take me where I need to be. It already did. I may fail to notice that as I am fooled by distractions such as daydreaming, wishing to have a specific lifestyle, desiring to work something worthwhile, something that can bring meaning to others as well. I mean, I do have a problem with procrastination. But this does not feel that I am procrastinating. I feel I am driven towards something else I can’t even dare to imagine. I just hope to be something wonderful, like in that song, Something wonderful is on your way/ If you’re lost, hurt, tired or lonely/ Something wonderful is on your way.
I have filled in my journal this month, I bought a weekly planner, a colorful one to make sure I get delight when I have to fill it in, I read some articles I saved up on my Pinterest boards, I discovered some hashtags that work and used them a bit in my Instagram, discovered new people and beautiful blogs, I have jotted down my ideas and strategies to grow my fiverr clients’list. I have even went on FutureLearn to actually start learning from the multitude of courses I subscribed to take part to so long ago and never went to really do it. And now, this Lunar Eclipse in my Sun happened.
I will blame the Moon this month.
I really want to share my thoughts on YouTube, to create videos, to make myself a name, to boost my blog’s popularity and connect with other like minded people. But maybe, I do not really want it that bad. Maybe, I am just making myself believe I want that, and I am actually hiding behind something that I really want but it’s too hard to work towards.
Maybe…, I am not ready. Yet. But, boy, I have not been ready for a long time now. I should read more about and start implementing creative writing. And I just don’t. The Moon.
I am just lost. In too many wishes that should have happened so far and didn’t. And maybe I lost direction. Maybe, I am tired of hoping. Or waiting. But, I also do not feel I am putting too much effort, and I just have ceased to have the energy to do things. Whenever I want to do something, it’s like the universe it’s testing me to see if I am serious about it. Just, give me a break, please. The only thing that this type of teaching has thought me, was to give up with even more ease.
But you know, these thoughts and feelings are temporarily, I was born with my Moon in Aries, I will start again, with more energy and hope and probably more curiosity to try again. Until the next Eclipse or whatever.
How do you cope with self disappointment ?