There are days in which the only thing you’ll want to do, it’ll be to forget the mess you’re in.
You will be upset. Upset on the situation. On how you did not manage the situation in that perfect manner you expect of yourself to have done it. Because when you were not impecable and perfect as desired to have been and failed it, you have failed yourself. This form of self-criticism is lowering your self esteem levels, simply because you’re trying to be more than what a human being can be: a robot with all the right moves and words, having the best solution and the fast paced style to deal with problems in that exceptional manner everyone strives to embrace. All of that is the embodiment of perfectionism’s symptoms. Being afraid to be wrong, to act wrong, to be vulnerable, being afraid to ask others for help to not seem weak in other peoples’ eyes. Afraid that you will lose your power in your own eyes, most of all, you fear that. Because you are not at the level that you imagined or desired yourself to be at by this age/time/etc.
You, my dear, are afraid to not do the right thing, to not correctly follow the steps you’d been told to follow because you are afraid of being judged. You are afraid to actually not be right. You are so demanding of others that you believe the others will judge you just as you judge them, with the same level of perfectionism and mistake free style. You are afraid because you know you are not right on some occasions and you are afraid to be caught and shown to others how weak, vulnerable and fragile you really are. You have a fobia to not make mistakes. Afraid to live, the fear to have joy, to enjoy yourself, as you do not deserve it, based on your own self critique.
But I want to tell you, you are not wrong or right. You are both. You are not a devil just as you are not a saint. You are a human being that lives on this wonderful Earth, hoping to a better world and a simpler life. And so, the things you do are not good or bad, they are human actions prone to heaven or hell, and you learn that they have the power to define your higher self. If you do one good thing, it won’t mean you are a good human being just as if you do a bad thing, it won’t class you as a horrible human being. You are alive. That means, to be good and bad, because all human beings committ some stupid things, behave irrationally and say stuff they do not mean.
What you need to do is learn the lesson of life: you are only NOW. Regrets, mistakes, fears, shame, not trusting one’s self, shyness and other negative or low vibration emotions and feelings are part of life. But you do not deserve all that. You experience it because you punish yourself with that without even realizing it. What you do in this NOW can amplify a bad or a good action you have made.
STOP using the NOW to showcase your superiority towards others. You are not more important than others. Acting impulsively only displays your authority, or rather your desire to portray authority, you want to show your power, your ego. You want to tell the world you are someone too. When you act impulsive, you want people to give you attention, to appreciate you for whatever power you show at that time, you want to raise your self esteem levels through how you imagine they would act if they would agree you are right, fair, perfect. When you act impulsive, you expect to be right. And you are not. You are wrong in thinking that way. You use the NOW so wrong. Spread that love and kindness like confetti, they say. It is hard, but it will make you feel better.
You actually want to feel good about yourself. Be patient and wonderful things will come your way. As with all human beings. Live in the NOW with the correct positive mindset, and expect that to multiply and bring you whatever you are waiting for.